Well it's been quite a while since my last post, and so much has happened I don't even know how to sum it up. But I can try! Here's a quick run down of what's been going on since November:
Nepal. What a whirlwind. The five Squad Leaders traveled to almost every team seeing so much of the gorgeous countryside. But it required about a week of time on buses when we added it all up.
just another day in Nepal
[photo by briana bollinger]
tenting it with team kingdom katalyst.
[photo by briana bollinger]
we took a flight to see mount everest!
we stayed pastor meg and his wonderful family.
some of the most wonderful people i've ever met.
[photo by briana bollinger]
crammed into yet another nepalese taxi with my three favorites!
[photo by briana bollinger]
Next Garrett and I flew with X Squad to Kenya and spent the week debriefing teams and working through some things within the squad. Then we boarded a plane, had a quick stop in Amsterdam, and before we knew it we were stateside.
we ended our time with X Squad with SEVEN baptisms!
As soon as we landed, the incredible staff at AIM welcomed us home and debriefed us over the last 4 months, releasing us and blessing us into our next seasons.
On to Texas where I got to see so many people I love and care for. It was also the first time being in America for the holidays in two years, so I was like a little kid, stuffing my face at Thanksgiving and putting every ornament I could find on our tree.
All the way back in India I felt the Lord calling me to go to IHOP for a week when I got home. So I did. I spent a week in Kansas City processing the last two and a half years and simply sitting with the Lord. It was much needed for my spirit and was worth every second of the 12 hour drive there and back.
Back over to Georgia where I spent 3 weeks with sweet friends and participating in a program called Searchlight. It's been absolutely incredible getting to just hang out with World Race family and be around people who love me oh-so-well. I've gotten to catch up with so many K Squaders and S Squaders, and am super thankful that I was able to go down for so long.
so many Aggies at Project Searchlight!
Throughout the last few weeks, I've felt the Lord pressing new and fresh ideas into my heart. Because of stuff going on out on the field, I'm still battling like crazy for X Squad, but the Lord has been releasing me and even encouraging me to step into the next season. I've clearly heard Him speaking about worship and He has developed a passion in my spirit for it unlike any other. So I've started pursuing outlets for that, including applying to be a part of The 18 Inch Journey this summer. Normally I'd wait until I was accepted before sharing that I applied for something like this, but in this case I think simply applying is worthy of sharing. I don't know where the Lord is leading me in this, but I'm actively pursuing ways to learn and glean from those I know that do it well. So, Lord willing, I will be in North Carolina this summer, pressing deeper and deeper into Him. But until then…
I'll be back in Georgia, folks.
After countless conversations with the Lord, I have decided to come on staff with Adventures in Missions, but this time, I'll be stateside. The Lord has allowed me to step out onto the field time and time again and I would have never been able to do any of that without the service and sacrifice of the staff in the AIM office. These men and women are working long days and nights to equip thousands of people to go out into the Earth. They fight hard for the ones out on the field in prayer, in support, and in what they've committed to do in the office. It's truly an honor to be able to serve them in the next few months. I have committed to work from February through May and will be living in Gainesville, GA during that time.
One of the things I love about Adventures in Missions is that fact that they are a support-raising culture. Because they want to keep costs and expenses for participants as low as possible, everyone on staff raises the majority of their salary. That includes me now. So for the next 4 months, I’m looking for people to partner with me as I serve with an organization I wholeheartedly believe in. This is a different role for me, but still powerfully effective in making a difference in this world and sending people to the nations. My goal for this season is to raise $4000 by March 1st. It will cover living expenses for the time I'm in Georgia and it will also allow me to fly out for X Squad’s month 8 debrief in Thailand around mid-March.
If your interested in partnering with me, click the "contact me" link to the left -- I'd love to talk to you more about it. Or if you're ready for making a one-time or monthly donations, just click here.
There are absolutely no words to express the gratitude in my heart my your continued prayers and support in this last season. The Lord has blessed me in incredible ways with the love that's been poured over me through you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for walking with me for so long throughout this crazy adventure.
And even though I'm in America, it's time for the next crazy adventure!
coming on the field with X squad, I knew my time with them was short. 4 months. you can imagine my aghastedness at realizing month 3 just ended. only one month to go, oh dear. but at the end of month three, lots of exciting stuff tends to happen. change, transition, and catalyst after catalyst into new realms of growth for the squad. but one of the most exciting things that has happened this past week, is the selection of X Squad's newest Squad Leaders.
as garrett and i prayed into who the Lord had chosen to lead this squad, He proved so faithful (yet again) and revealed to us three people who are anointed to head up the charge this crazy army is already pursuing. i'd like to introduce you to them.
michelle is a woman that dwells in the secret place. every since i met michelle, the word "more" constantly falls from her lips. she hears things from the Lord in such a deep way, that you know she spends most of her time in the deepest places with Him. her revelations continually have the fingerprints of the Holy Spirit on them and make you crave more intimacy with the Father. and through her revelations, it's obvious that michelle is continually 800 miles ahead of the rest of us. but she refuses to stay there by herself. she's constantly inviting the people around her into the "more" she's come to love and yearn for. the image i get is that she's one of the few people actually sitting at the banquet table we're all meant for, and digging into the abundance He has provided for us. but as she double-fists on the giant turkey before her, she's waving everyone she meets to come sit down next to her and dig into to the goodness of her God. she's all about the relationship with her God and wants nothing more than the people around her to step out of the courtyard they've been confined to for so long and see that they can enter into the Holy of Holies and meet with the Father face to face.
briana joy is a woman of vision. she see things in a different perspective than the rest of the world, and offers such a freshness to the people around her. this woman walks in a level of humility that oozes confidence in who she is as a woman of God. she is a woman of faith, a woman of honor, and a woman of wisdom. her roots stretch so deeply into the Lord that nothing can ever shake her. she refuses to let the world's definitions hold her back and every day claims more and more of who she is as the Lord designed her to be. and when she opens her mouth, the wisdom of the Creator seeps through. her discernment in situations and the steps she takes to call people into their true identities as men and women of God shatters darkness and allows light and clarity flood into their lives. she is a beautiful balance of a peaceful woman, but a fierce fighter. she walks fully in her authority as one redeemed by Jesus Christ. it allows her to have such grace and comfort in the way that she talks and the things she does, while also having a power and spirit of victory settle on those around her when she is near. by just being her, she is going to be a vessel of freedom and healing among the men and the women of this squad.
jason is a man of passion. but the crazy thing is that the passion seems to grow bigger and bigger every single day. he is a man that loves well and is able to meet people where they're at, in the midst of all their junk, and offer hope. his trust in the Lord and His promises, his passion, and his joy are incredibly contagious. he empowers the people around him to walk in their own gifts and strengths and opens peoples' eyes to see themselves as the Lord sees them. this man has a voice of power and of truth that is somehow flooded with the Spirit as well. his state of continual surrender to the Lord is allows him to be a mouthpiece, a holy vessel, for the Lord to speak out Truth and Life over countless people. strength and courage are thickly on him and echo throughout any place he steps foot. the Lord has set him up as a general for this squad. one that will lead the charge into battle assured of the victory that is ahead, shouting a battle cry that makes the earth shake and enemies tremble because of the power and passion behind it. jason is a man of God, walking into more and more power every single day.
just a few days after calling them to step up into their new roles, we hopped on a flight to Varanasi to meet up with the rest of the squad. as i read through Zechariah on the plane, a certain word made me chuckle: "stork". garrett had been seeing storks for the past three months and could never shake them or figure out what in the world they meant. as i showed him that storks were actually in the bible, he smiled and said "hey, read that whole thing".
"then i looked up--and there before me were two women, with the wind in their wings! they had wings like those of a stork, and they lifted up the basket between heaven and earth" zech 5:9
then as i glanced to other side of that same page, a section title caught my eye. "a crown for joshua". at the end of month 2, the Lord had pressed Joshua 1 on my heart for the men of the squad. and in my recent chats with Jason, he had shared that Joshua was a character that the Lord drew him to again and again this past month. in fact, the night after the three agreed to take up squad leading a complete stranger came up to jason during worship and said "you like joshua". so i read it:
"take the silver and gold and make a crown, and set it on the head of the high priest, joshua son of jehozadak. tell him this is what the Lord Almighty says: 'here is the man whose name is the Branch, and he will branch out from his place and build the temple of the Lord. it is he who will build the temple of the Lord, and he will be clothed with majesty and will sit and rule on his throne. and he will be a priest on his throne. and there will be harmony between the two.'" zech 6:11-13
so two storks and joshua are going to lead X Squad into their next season. i can already feel the pressure of the squad being held back under our season of leadership. garrett and i can only lead them so far, and under us they can only go so high. but it's so clear that they're meant to soar, to fly to the highest places. so as we pass the baton, of course it's bittersweet. i love this group of crazies and it's going to be hard to leave. but i know that i need to get out of the way for them to catapult in the more-ness they've been craving. under the three's leadership they are going explode out of the gate and sky-rocket to the heavenly places. look out heaven, here comes X Squad.
one month in india. it came and it went. currently i'm sitting on a rooftop, overlooking Kathmandu, Nepal, wondering how 30 days has already flown by. but as i sit and look through the last month, i can't help but see how purposeful the Lord was with each and every one.
my recap of India is a little different than my last 2 months with X Squad. primarily because i stayed in one place for almost the entire month. yeah, that's right, ONE place.
Bangalore, India.
Two of our teams were working with YWAM. We lived alongside the students of the Discipleship Training School and the staff of the base, while partnering with various ministries throughout the city. Children's programs, slum visits, ESL classes, orphanages, prayer walks, and house visits filled our hours this month. Below are some pictures and links to other X Squaders' blogs for a quick taste of Bangalore.
kids in the slums learning about Jesus :)
the people are so beautiful.
little girl in the slums, praying to Jesus.
a young girl writing lyrics to a worship song.
carly brown, on the rooftop of where we lived, overlooking the city.
mike choi, boldly sharing his testimony at a drug rehab center.
indian kiddos caprtured my heart.
another little one praying.
myself and michelle soroka, playing with some kids at an orphanage.
And the end of the month, my co-leader and I met up in Hyderabad to invite 3 of our Team Leaders to step into being Squad Leaders as we transition to head back to America. The Lord had His hand in every moment of those three days, from His confirmations to them that this is what He was calling them into, to our laughter and conversation, and even to where He had us. we were incredibly blessed to be able to usher these three into a new season at a worship school in the middle of India.
After Hyderabad, the entire squad met up in Varanasi before traveling to Nepal. As three of our Team Leaders stepped up into Squad Leadership, we invited three members of the squad to step into bigger coats as well. Kate Hughes, Taryn Neuhor, and Logan Brendel humbly agreed to take on the role of Team Leaders for this next season, alongside our 4 remaining Team Leaders.
There has been tremendous amount of freedom throughout the Squad. The 44 people that left America 3 months ago are no longer visible and 44 men and women of God are stepping forward into a new season. The Lord spoke and the teams were rearranged through much prayer and discernment so that each of these Racers can continue to redefine who they are through a heavenly filter and so that each team is set-up in the best possible way to plant seeds and reap a harvest as they continue to walk into new nations.
And earlier this week, as a squad we boarded a bus. 30 hours later, we arrived safely in Kathmandu, Nepal. Month 4 has officially begun!
As most of you know, Squad Leading requires me to raise support. I am currently in need of $2000 to finish out my time with this Squad and $2000 to attend their debriefs in March and June. I have been blessed beyond measure so far along this journey and am wholeheartedly trusting the Lord to bring in every cent needed to fulfill my commitment to Him and this Squad. Please consider partnering with me as this generation begins to take their place and bring heaven down to his earth. Your prayers and support are enormous blessing and i can never thank each of you enough for your continual support! Thank you!
Below is a blog post from Taryn Neuhor, one of the anointed women on X Squad. I simply wanted to share her stories with you and spread the word that God is doing something BIG here in India. Enjoy!
Since arriving in India, many things hit you all at once.The smell alone almost knocks you off your feet. You have to quickly adjust to the fact that your personal space is no longer what it used to be. The Indian people crowd around staring and smiling, like you're some entertainer that's going to put on a show for them. We have been here only one week and in that time, I have seen and experienced things I never thought I'd see or experience. My team and I have been going around to a different village everyday to preach the Gospel, heal the sick, and cast out demons. Just like Matthew 10:7-8. This isEXACTLYwhat our team has been hungry to do ever since the Race started.
You see, in Moldova and Romania, the people knew about God and Jesus. But the spirit of religion was so strong there that it would have been a true victory in the Lordif I had helped lead someone to Christ.India is worlds apart. There are people here who have never heard the name of Jesus. It's like they have just been waiting for us to come. Being in these villages, and being the only white people around, we naturally have throngs of locals following us and asking our names. It is the best thing about being different here because the people come and they want to listen to what you have to say. We feel like the original apostles who traveled around and spoke about the Love of God to the people. Each person on my team (myself included) have led several to Christ already.
In our first week alone, we have witnessed anywhere between 50-70 men, women, and children asking the Lord into their hearts immediately after us simply sharing Jesus with them.
Not only have we been preaching the Gospel, but we have been laying hands on people and seeing the sick healed! Monday night was a night where the Holy Spirit came and filled up a whole village. We had already been in one village where we saw several healed of pains in there bodies. Instant healings all in the name of Jesus. However, God kept coming and when my team was at one house later that evening, the people just kept coming and asking for more prayer. We were all tired at this point, but after seeing the Spirit heal 3 people in a row, we knew that He wanted to keep healing. We prayed over every person possible. Old men and women. Children and babies. Everyone came. And every person got touched. There must have been 30 or more people healed instantly in that hour alone!Praise the LORD!
When we finally got a little bit of a break to go eat dinner, we went to another house. Our translator, Abraham, told us that more people were coming to receive prayer from us. Apparently, it was being spread like wildfire that these Christians from America were praying for people and being delivered from sickness, pain, and disease.
One of my favorite things at the end of the night was when we were being driven back home. The man driving us had apparently heard about the power we carried from God and so instead of us paying for our ride, all he wanted was our prayers. So we gladly laid hands on him and lifted him up to the King. I am still in awe of seeing how the Lord moved that night. The people are just ready for God here. What an honor to be used by the Creator to bring heaven to earth!
X Squad has been in India for a week now. I've been attached at the hip to teams eucharistia and 14 feet since the moment we landed in Delhi. We spent a night in the city before hopping on a train down to Bangalore where they'll be doing ministry all month. FOURTY-ONE hours later we finally made it, probably leaving more than a little of our sanity on that train. Here they're partnering with YWAM, serving in various ministries like ESL teaching, kid's programs, sharing testimonies/worship, building relationships with the staff and students, feeding programs, drug/rehab programs, and house visits with local pastors in the area. Monday I headed out with the teams to work with Pastor Aaron and visit the homes of some of his church members in what he terms "the slums".
Even in 2 years of seeing poverty and hurting all over the world, it still hits my heart so deeply. Most of the families we were blessed to visit live in homes the size of most American bedrooms or even bathrooms in some cases. We met the sick, the hurting, the dying, the impoverished. We held their hands. We prayed with them. We laughed with them. We cried with them. We smiled at them. And I pray with every fiber of my being that we brought them hope.
And still after 2 years, I'm always blown away by how much visiting His people blesses me. I was honored and humbled to be in that place. In the homes of people who fight every day of their lives and still have so little to cling to. Holding children that are absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Praying healing over a man with HIV and a woman who could barely stop sneezing the whole time we were with her. Who am I that they would welcome me in?
The last family we visited that day stole my heart. Granesh is an elder in the church and invited us to his home where he lives with his mother and 2 sisters. Both of his sisters are married to men who refuse to attend church or let them attend church. But the pastor continued to say, "but they love Jesus. so much. more than anything." We encouraged them and prayed with them. Shared some of our own stories and verses the Lord gave us in the moment. I even tried to hold one of their little girls, but to no avail; all she wanted was her mama.
a few seconds of holding the baby. photo by jess gasperin.
While we were there, the pastor shared Granesh's story with us…
A few years ago, Granesh was depressed. He was unable to find any hope or anything to live for, so he tried to take his own life. He ended up in the hospital, in a coma and in critical condition. The doctors were trying to find a way to save his life, but all were going to cost so much more money than the family had. It was in his coma, that Granesh had a vision. A vision of the Bible. A vision of Truth. When he woke from his coma a few days later, he was completely healed and gave his life to the Lord. Since then he has been attending Pastor Aaron's church and serving the body of Christ in any way he can, including welcoming a small group of less-than-worthy American missionaries into his home. The way the pastor ends the story is that "Granesh has had 2 lives."
The Lord works in mighty ways to draw those He loves to Him. His love is as strong as death and His jealousy for us as unyielding as the grave. Praise the Lord for Granesh and the testimony he shared with us this week. His second life is just the beginning of something big here in India. An explosion of life, of second lives, is coming. I can feel it in my bones. And it's men like Granesh and Pastor Aaron and the teams here at YWAM that are sparking the fuse.
two out of my four months with the X Squad have come to a close.
this past month, the squad was in Romania and Hungary, raining down buckets and buckets of love and joy throughout these places. relationships grew deeper, travel got even more entertaining, and somehow my relationship with the lord became even sweeter than the sweetest i have known. this month was all about redemption. you see, last time i was in romania i didn't like it. nothing in particular really sticks out to why i didn't, but it just wasn't a place i was particularly fond of coming back to. so when i found out i'd be leading X Squad, who's route included the one and only Romania, i had to surrender any expectations to the Lord right from the get-go. i had to trust that where He was leading me was going to be good because He is good. and wouldn't you know it, He redeemed ever last part of Romania i was anxious about. what a show off.
so here's some highlights of month 2 with X Squad, filled with pictures mostly stolen from my insanely talented squad:
location one: draganesti-olt, romania with teams firestarters and 14 feet.
-- falling off the train on our arrival to the town and getting stuck in the tracks because my pack was so heavy i couldn't get up. five romanian men had to come help me up because garrett had to go save the team who was still on the train as it started to leave. (don't worry... they all made it safely off).
-- impromptu headlamp dance parties.
-- coke dates with staci and jason, two of our ridiculously anointed team leaders.
-- worship times with the teams, especially taryn leading with the guitar.
-- feedback sessions that reveal heart issues the Lord is continuing to refine.
-- becoming besties with a 2-year old after church.
-- watching team firestarters sing "our God is an awesome God" in church and realizing they don't actually know the words.
cleaning the church.
my best friend i made at church. (that's a calculator she carries as her phone in her purse)
team firestarters serenading the church.
location two: in targu mures, romania with team rise up.
-- first train ride solo: i didn't fall off!
-- getting to go back to the same place i had been to 2 years before with k squad.
-- boys-honor-girls day: the men of team rise up surprised us 5 women with a day where they bought us candy, let us watch a movie, made chocolate-covered fruit and popcorn, cooked us a spaghetti dinner and dessert, and had a game night. being a woman is awwwwwwesome!
-- walking 5 miles back to our village. at night. in the pitch black. but having the best conversation with the pastor and hearing his heart for his church and his vast amounts of knowledge.
-- worshiping in the park.
-- going back to the gypsy village where my team had spent so much time previously. and the kids remembering us!
-- homemade meals by the pastor's wife.
-- worshiping the lord for s squad as they had their final debrief in india. just me and a guitar. under the romanian stars.
-- reuniting with my co-leader and getting some sweet feedback. and watching the lord literally bringing people to him as he worships.
-- see 42 of the most beautiful faces in the world again. and being able to see radical change in EACH and EVERY one of them.
-- sweet one-on-ones and hearing the hearts of these warriors.
-- worshiping in the park, getting to share a bit of my heart with my women, and an all-woman fire tunnel!
-- getting to surprise A Squad in the airport as they headed out to their first month of ministry.
So Month 2 in Romania was filled with some tears, but so much more laughter. It overflowed with rejoicing and worship. My heart was buzzing the entire month, filled with thankfulness and joy. The Lord just poured out blessing upon blessing upon blessing. Romania, you have officially been redeemed.
** Side note. The S Squad, the other squad that I led, is officially finished! All 61 of them made it safely back to America on August 31st. Thank you to each and every person that supported them on this journey. Your prayers carried them through 11 months and the world is forever changed because of them. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.**
as soon as mike came in the room, i exploded. not literally (obviously) but within my spirit. i felt him enter the room before i saw him. he knelt in front of me and began trying to talk to me. i could hear him, but in the low-volume place. and nothing he said really made sense. i don't remember what he said or did or what anyone around me was doing at this point. but i remember being scared, confused as to where i was and what was happening. i felt hopeless and weak.
i remember denise on my left hand side; daina on my right. somewhere in there higgs came in, between mike and daina, rattling off in the spirit like she boldly does. i remember the loyalty of daina next to me and the comfort of denise. the power of mike and the strength of higgs. i don't know why, that's just what i felt.
mike began talking to me in a firmer tone. i was still confused and felt like my body had been hijacked. it was like i had been shoved into the trunk of my own mind. able to see and hear what was happening but unable to do anything about it. as he began to speak things, "i" began reacting. he began demanding things identify themselves in the name of Jesus Christ; so they did. words and voices came out of my mouth, but i wasn't speaking. my body began moving and doing things i wasn't actually doing. things, deep things, began thrusting to the surface of my body. one by one they would identity themselves. they would fight, futilely attempting to stake claim on what had been their territory for so long. my tongue got stuck to my mouth. i screamed. i yelled. i told them to leave me alone. i demanded mike stop touching me. i even tried to hurt him a few times.
and by "i", i mean those things. those footholds. those strongholds. those lies. that had rooted themselves so deeply in my heart, i had no conscious knowledge they were there. for who-knows-how-many years, they had taken up residence in what my Daddy had purposed as a holy temple. it started with sleeping bags and tents, grew into houses, and progressed to the point that some of those lies resided in well-furnished mansions. they had made a conformable dwelling place for themselves and now someone was threatening that. someone bigger. someone stronger. someone saying he came in HIS name. so they did what they could to stop mike. they manifested and manipulated my body, my words, my face, to instill fear in the ones coming in the name of freedom. but, through His strength, they stood firm on the power of the name of Jesus and pressed on.
[the staircase to the right. i took this photo before this crazy night.
the flash, the light over my body, seems so prophetic now.]
after awhile, even though i was kind of sitting on the sidelines, the exhaustion of it all starting wearing on me. there was something still clinging to my spirit, something unable to be released. i think it was denise's voice i heard. something like "let go" or "let him fight for you now" trickled into my heart. it was like someone turned up the volume and for a few seconds i heard voices in the other room too. "you won't relent, until you have her all" was being sung over and over. now knowing what was going on on that wooden staircase right outside the door, the teams had come together to worship the Lord. they knew no attention or power should ever be given to the enemy and that ultimately, because He is God, victory would be claimed. so they praised His name. i heard it. i HEARD it. and i realized that, for once, i couldn't fight any of this fight for myself. i had to let my King claim victory so that it would be complete and whole this time.
so, i died.
in a flash a picture pops in my head. a battlefield, still buzzing from the raging struggle. like something you would see in lord of the rings or braveheart. an epic battle has been waged and its starting to come to a close. but it's not quite over. there are 2 individuals. a dirty, beaten, bruised and bloody girl. her clothes ripped, her hair ragged. covered in dirt and blood. and a knight. shining armor. fearless, with a ringing sword in his right hand. on a horse. white, strong, and sure-footed. and even though he's been fighting in a war, he's ready and prepared for a fight. gently i hear "child it's time. let me fight for you. let me claim this victory once and for all". lying in the dirt, i hear myself say, "i can still fight. i can do this on my own". shaking and broken, i try to pull myself up. only to fall back on my face. i cling to the foot of his horse, absolutely terrified of not doing it on my own but also terrified because i know i can't go back in the battle and win. with a gentle hand, he lifts my face and assures me that "i will fight for you. as long as the sun is in the sky or the moon has taken its place, i will fight for you. i want to fight for you. let me fight for you, my love." i don't even have to say anything for him to know my release to him to claim me as his own…
the vision progressed in milliseconds in real time, and released looked more like blacking out in everyday terms. my body and my spirit, exhausted from what had been raged, just gave out when i let myself fall into His arms that night. according to the friends around me, a glimmer of chaos ensued, including my pulse being checked and someone praying for my "dry bones to be brought back to life" when i went limp. mike picked me up and laid me in an empty bed in one of the rooms downstairs. the 2 teams took shifts that night, praying and prophesying over me every second till i woke up at 8 the next morning, sore and bafflingly confused. daina stayed faithfully at my side, reciting psalm 139 over me countless times, going through the bible finding truth to contract each one of the 9 strongholds that were cast out (one of my most treasured gifts even to this day). but in the midst of that, all i remember was the sweetest time of my entire life. i just sat with my Abba, in the throne room, and talked. we laughed, we cried, and He held me. it was simple. it was sweet. it was perfection.
when i woke up the next day it was surreal. my body ached. my brain was befuddled. and i felt light. both the unweighty and the illuminated kind. i had joy. like REAL joy. even though i had no explanation for what had happened the night before. i was free.
-------------------------
it's been two years, almost to the day, that i was freed from those lies. it's been two years since victory was claimed over me. it's been two years since deliverance was given to me as a precious gift on those stairs.
and now i'm back. the sun of stejeris, romania is hitting my face and fingers as i type these letters. joy. thankfulness. light-heartedness. passion. i can't begin to explain all the things i want to do to praise Him. shout. dance. clap. somebody find me a tambourine! this is redemption. here in this place, i was redeemed. i am His.
two years ago, i was freed. today, on these stairs, i will worship.
[i came here caged. i left flying high. now, the heights are ever-increasing still.]
month two of my first world race, my team, along with team goodness gracious, brought the kingdom of God in targu mures, romania. we preached, we evangelized, and we played with tons of children. any of you that have read my blogs or stayed even slightly in touch, probably already knew that. however, most of you don't know the whole story of that month. the real story. the raw story. of how my life was completely thrown upside down and ripped inside out on the stairs of a cute little house in a quiet romanian village called stejeris.
you see, two years ago i was delivered.
[pause.] honesty time. i've been struggling for two years to write out this story. i've shared it in person, but writing it out is a whole different ballgame. so know that i don't really know how to write this. i've been on my knees for almost 2 years straight asking the Lord how He can receive the most glory and honor from it. i don't have all the answers and a lot of this still doesn't even make sense to me. i don't quite remember everything and some of this is from other people's perspectives. this is just a glorious experience of the powerful grace and victorious redemption of a God who loves jealously. through my lenses. ok [play.]
the 14 of us were blessed with a beautiful house in a village called stejeris. corn fields as our neighbor, dirtroads, and a hill that sang during sunset. the month before, team goodness gracious had been up in northern ireland working with a church with a miraculous healing ministry. they saw arms and legs grow, eye sight healed, and scoliocis-ridden backs realigned before their very eyes and through their tingly holy-spirit-filled fingers. my team wanted to learn everything they had and so we set up a night for them to teach us. i was pumped.
[our home for the month.]
as the night grew closer, i found myself looking forward to it less and less. to the point that, when the night finally came, i had to force myself into that dining room. as soon as they began to speak, my struggle began. i hated being in that room. the more they spoke about God's healing powers and the ways it can manifest, the more i raged within. after a while they asked us to start some practical application and lay hands on a guy on my team. i didn't. i prayed for him, just across the room in my chair. at this point, i beelined out the door for the bathroom upstairs. as i started to come back downstairs to join the teaching again, i stopped. i remember just standing there, in the pitch black hallway, wanting to do just about anything other than go back down. that's when the thought flashed:
i could just throw myself down the stairs.
now you should now that the Lord has blessed me in my life. i've never struggled with depression and never had suicidal thoughts. everyone has bad days, yes, but i had never ever gotten somewhere so dark. and this got really dark. really fast.
somehow i knew that that thought wasn't of me. i had been learning a lot about taking your thoughts captive and the schemes of the devil over the last few months so i'm pretty sure i recognized in that moment what was going on, whether it was in my heart or in my head, and i almost sprinted down those stairs back into the dining room. isolation is one of the enemy's most powerful tactics, so i needed people. and to be honest, hearing voices, late at night, is reeeeeeally creepy too. so to the people and the light room i went.
but as soon as i got in that room, i was overwhelmed by something. i sat back down in my chair and immediately went into the fetal position, arms holding my knees tightly to my chest. i don't remember what was going on or what people were saying. i'm pretty sure i had started crying when daina turned to me and said "hey are you ok?"
i couldn't even open my mouth. i shook my head and booked it out the dining room door, landing on the staircase directly before me. and as i hit those stairs, something let loose. i cried. i bawled. i wailed. i didn't know why. it was uncontrollable.
now here's where it gets weird. weird in the normal usage of the word, but also weird in how i need to tell this story. my perspective is different from the people that were around me. it's easier if i integrate the viewpoints together, but know that the internal thoughts are mine. and, for the most part, everything else is from the perspective of the 4 people on those steps with me. some of it i knew as it was happening, but a lot of this was told to me later to help me understand what exactly happened. add in some more weirdness in that my perspective is also a fuzzy picture, a dialed down version. as the rest of this night continued, i was shoved to the back of my head. at least my sight or self or perspective was. everything i describe from here on out was extremely out of body. i was in the back of my own mind, watching my own mind think other things. and i was observing my self do and say things that weren't coming from me. it was like watching a movie about myself through a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription with the volume turned down low. hey, i warned you it was weird….
after a few seconds, daina followed me out the door. sobbing continues. after a few minutes, denise came out. hyperventilation-inducing weeping. i vaguely remember them trying to talk to me. but i couldn't respond. or maybe i didn't want to? i was so confused and honestly didn't know why i was crying. after a few more minutes, i remember denise turning to someone and saying, "go get mike" (her husband).
Currently I'm on a train. The last of three on the agenda today.
Currently most of S Squad is on a train. The last of who knows how many over the last 11 months.
Right now as I type this, Abby and Tim are probably chilling in the airport, buzzing with excitement as they prepare to meet up with our S Squad for their very last piece of The World Race: final debrief. And even though I would give my right arm (and possibly negotiate the sacrifice of other appendages) to be there with them, I can honestly say that I have complete peace where I am.
a romanian train stop. the view of where i am.
I'm alone. On a train. In Romania.
3000 miles away from them.
I should be upset.
I should be bummed.
I should be wishing with everything that I was there.
But I have peace.
I have joy.
And I am overflowing with love.
That doesn't make sense.
It shouldn't be like this.
Or should it?
I'm at peace because I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
One of the most amazing things about The World Race is the way God expounds your ability to love. Entering a new country every month, only to leave 30 days later, was just about impossible on my own. To love and to leave over and over again should have just left hurt. To pour out everything on the kids at Drimnaugh month 1 should have left me with nothing to give months 2 through 11. But with God, who is Love, I somehow had new buckets of affection and life to pour out on unexpecting and expecting children of God alike. It was absolutely incredible to begin operating out of this place of abundance. And between the people we were ministering to and my K Squad, my heart began to swell.
flash back to may 2009 with k squad!
Fast forward a few weeks after my first Race ended. White, Georgia. I met S Squad. I knew from the beginning they were mine. His, but entrusted to me for a season. I was blown away by the depths to which I cared for them. 61 people I had never met before made my heart flutter and chest swell even before I knew their names. How is that possible? How can it be? I blamed it on the excitement of Training Camp at first, but couldn't deny that it had to be from the Lord when the camp high faded, but my S Squad addiction remained. God gave me a 4 month fix. In that time not only did my love for them explode, but my love for myself and my love for my God were ignited like a wildfire. The sweet tears that were shed for them, the passion of the fight I yearned to provide for them, the new found peaks of joy reached at their sides. It was all good and it was all Him.
the very first picture of S squad last July
Jump ahead to the present. Yep, still on a train and 7 hours to go. And it's a a new story, yet surprisingly the same. Stepping out to lead X Squad was relatively easy for me in the physical. It was the emotional that I doubted. When I was entrusted with 44 new World Racers, 44 more royal children of God, I felt it. The weight of it was heavy, but in a good way I can't quite describe. But it was the love that I hesitated to believe in. Stemming from the Love that I hesitated to trust. How in the world can I balance this God? How do I fully step into what you're calling me forth in, and not take away from my loves on the field? How do I show them the same love? How do I share all of my heart? These are just examples of my wrestlings before Launch with X. A wise friend stepped in at one point and said, "Lauren, the Lord is not calling you to give 50% here and 50% here. He's calling you to give 100%. To all of them. Over and over again." And that's when it hit me: the love I had was never mine to begin with. It always always always starts with Love's love. Since realizing that, I've had coronary after coronary as my physical heart continues to be undone at the love I have for X Squad. It's indescribable how desperately I want everything for them and how earnestly I want to give them all I have. But they need more than what I can offer. Which is bringing me to a place of deeper intimacy with my Father, knowing that in order to have anything at all of value for them, it has to come from Him. So to Him I have been going. There is absolutely no sweeter place than the presence of God, than the throne room, than lying at His feet or laying in his arms. That's where Love is found.
last month with three X teams in Moldova
So today S Squad starts the celebration of a lifetime. One of freedom, one of joy, one of praise and of worship, one that screams of God's goodness and faithfulness, of His mercy and grace. And, of course, of His love. Sure, I would love to hear Josh and Alana lead worship one more time. Yeah, I'd love to go on coffee dates with Christy and Angela, hug Erica's neck, and poke Keryn in the side where her appendix once was. "High-fiving" Matt and finding some new way to bug Greg would be a blast. I could sing "m-a-c g-r-e gooooor" and play cards with Angie for hours, definitely. But that's not where I am; that's not where He has me. He has me wrapped up, drowning, deep in His love. And there's absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt no place I would rather be, than here in His love.
and don't worry, Abby is making sure I make it to India in some way! and in style!
(that's my face on a popsicle stick, complete with wardrobe!)
**also, i am still on the hunt for monthly supporters. i am in need about about $2000 to cover expenses while out the field with X Squad and $2000 to be able to make it out to their month 8 and 11 debriefs. i would be honored if you would consider partnering with me financially or prayerfully on this journey! thank you!**
i've always heard it said that "times flies when you're having fun". well evidently when you're having one of the funnest times of your life, it hits warp speed. i can't believe a fourth of my time with X squad is in the past. it feels like 2 days ago that we were rolling through JFK airport, drawing all sorts of crazy looks as we rocked our giant backpacks on our backs and daypacks on the front, our lives shoved into any and every square inch of packing space available. i can honestly say this month has been nothing like what i expected. it's been more. so much more. leave it to God to take my expectations, throw them out the window, and give me things that are even better. here are a handful of photos to try and give you a [small] glance into what the past 38 days have looked like.
week one.
bucharest, romania.
launch with the entire squad.
worship, teachings from staff, and commissioning the teams.
[some of the team leaders and finance crew hanging in the warsaw airport]
[team seed sowers on their team-scavanger-hunt day]
[the whole squad right before heading off to their ministries]
week two.
cornesti, moldova.
with teams firestarters, eucharistea, and seed sowers.
hoeing/gardening, playing with kids, preaching/teaching, and sharing poetry
[garrett playing with some of the kids at the church]
[on our way to hike a mountain]
thank you Lord for having plans that are so much bigger than my own. thank you for making each day even more amazing than the one before. thank you for a family who wants nothing less than everything you have for them. thank you for worship. thank you for guitars. thank you for women of God who show me every day how to fall more in love with you and what it means to be a gentle woman yet fierce warrior for your kingdom. thank you for men who refuse to settle for the world's definition of a man any longer and who lead with their heads held high and their voices raging with a battle cry that echos out before us. thank you for mountains and nature that declare your beauty and remind me of how big you are. thank you for sweet conversations that grow and stretch my view of you. thank you for tears. thank you for laughter. thank you for haikus and pumpkin pie. thank you for impromptu downpours of your holy spirit and impromptu dance parties. thank you for letting me get close enough to you wrestle. thank you for unanswered questions that keep me endlessly at your feet. thank you for letting me be a part of something so much bigger than myself. gosh, lord, just thank you for answering our prayers for more. thank you for the more you have provided. thank you.
and now, for month two, i just beg you for even more…
